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Kiss Better Below
"Being too rough" is the worst mistake men make
during oral sex, the ladies said. "Guys think
they need to thrust and flick," says Ian Kerner,
Ph.D., a New York City–based sex therapist and
the author of She Comes First. "But often what
she wants is a firm, still tongue -- a point of
pressure -- so she can set the rhythm and pace."
Another trick:
Ask her to kiss your earlobe with the same
pressure she prefers during oral, then cop her
style next time you're south of the border.
Make a Bigger Bang
Thinking about baseball or the weather tends
to kill the moment entirely, and the oft-cited
stop-start technique can leave her hanging.
Instead, try thinking about other ways of
pleasuring her, says Mustanski. When you feel
your point of no return approaching -- it's
technically called "ejaculatory inevitability"
-- treat it as a cue to start stimulating her in
a different way. Massage her clitoris with your
fingers. Or, while inside her, press against it
with the part of your abdomen just above your
penis. Or stop and give her oral for a while.
"If you're smooth, she'll have no idea you're
just trying to regulate your ejaculation," says
Mustanski. "But all you have to do is let your
system settle from its excited point."
Unleash Her Wild Side
Sexual experimentation is earned, not
inherited. Unless you're dating a dominatrix, it
requires time, tact, and trust: 66 percent of
the women we surveyed said they're most willing
to experiment later in a relationship. How can
you put yourself on the fast track? "Make her
feel like she won't be judged," says Candida
Royalle, an erotic-film producer and the author
of How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do. "There's
the whole 'slut' complex you have to get past."
Here's a three-step plan for jumpstarting her
wildest desires.
1. Plant the seed. The best erotic icebreaker?
The written word. "Women like the story aspect
of porn," says Patti Britton, Ph.D., author of
The Art of Sex Coaching. "But sometimes
pornography can be too shocking." A softer
touch: Fuel her imagination by slipping a
bookmark into a sexy scene in a classic, classy
novel -- The Garden of Eden, by Ernest
Hemingway, say, or something contemporary like
The Time Traveler's Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger.
2. Feel her out. Introduce the idea indirectly.
Add a steamy, woman-friendly film to your
Netflix queue -- In the Cut, The Thomas Crown
Affair (the newer one), or our favorite, A
History of Violence -- and use the sex scene as
a conversation catalyst. Or reference something
sexy you saw in a magazine (such as this very
article), Royalle suggests. "That way, you can
ask your partner, 'Did you ever think of doing
that?' without pointedly saying, 'This is what I
want.'
3. Start tame. Come to bed in buttless chaps and
a ball gag and, chances are, you'll spend the
night alone. Try pubic grooming as a starter kit
for kink: More than 67 percent of women we
surveyed said they'd be up for a trim, if asked
(and 55 percent have gone completely bare at
least once). "It helps pave the way for more
playful experimentation," says Royalle, who
suggests offering to let her trim you first.
(Ninety-five percent of men said they'd be up
for a trim.)
Watch and Learn
Masturbation isn't just her release valve;
it's your sex school -- if she'll let you watch.
"It's very intimate, but it is important for her
to share what she likes," says Melinda
Gallagher, cofounder of the women's sexual
empowerment group CAKE and coauthor of A Piece
of CAKE: Recipes for Female Sexual Pleasure.
Lower the stage-fright factor by encouraging her
to guide your hands. Once she's okay with
sharing, Gallagher says, she might be willing to
start a toy box -- or pry open the one she's
been hiding from you. No toys? Log on. "Shopping
together lets you talk about your fantasies and
your limits," says Nagoski. All without hitting
the smut shop on Route 6.
Fulfill Her Every Fantasy
Role playing means more than squeezing her
into that old cheerleader outfit. "A woman's
sexual thoughts are kinky and creative," says
Gallagher. "Becoming someone else can unlock
those desires." Translation: She'll be up for
acting out her wildest fantasies. "Some women
like the rush of being swept away," says
Gallagher. So, what are you waiting for, men?
There's a damsel in distress in the next room.
Go save her.
By:
Matt Bean & Lisa Jones,
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