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Let's Be Honest
Many men have astoundingly small penises. When a
man receives spam
from a company offering to reduce his debts,
improve his credit rating, or restore his hair,
he is likely to perk up and listen. Why then do
so many men take umbrage when a similarly
helpful company offers to provide much-needed
help in the groinal region? By and large, the
people who send the spam are rock-solid
Americans trying to make this a better society
by bringing much-needed relief to the tens of
millions of Americans who have tiny penises. How
do I know this? Because in the time-honored
tradition of serious journalism, I did my
homework.
Can't Beat'em, Join'em, hangover'em
One day I received an e-mail from a company
called New Health Discoveries, which offered a
5-day course in maximizing the effectiveness of
your penis. I immediately signed up, not because
I need help operating my penis, which has been
running like a Swiss clock since puberty, but
because a man can never have too much help in
this area. I also expressed interest in becoming
an "affiliate" of the company, marketing
phallus-oriented products much the way women
sell Tupperware.
Getting in Touch
I fired off an e-mail to a man named Shawn
Moore, which read, "My biggest question is
technique. I want to sell these products to all
the employees at my firm (about 350 men), but
how do you bring up the subject of penises
without embarrassing them?" A little while
later, I received a very nice message from a man
identified as "Ford." "It's a touchy subject. My
best suggestion would be to somehow bring it up
in conversation. Possibly mention how they have
worked for you. You probably have to know a
person well enough to know if you can bring up
the subject."
Meanwhile, Shawn, my original contact, sent me
an e-mail explaining how to go from being a
"1-minute man" to "a master in the bedroom."
This involved a series of easy-to-do exercises
for the pubococcygeal (PC) muscle. Basically, I
was instructed to tense it until my penis
"jumped," and repeat 24 times daily. All without
looking at photographs available elsewhere on
the Internet. I appreciated the penis-coaching
tips I received from Shawn, but must admit that
they lacked the personal touch.
Ford, by contrast, was right there in my corner.
I barraged him with queries. In one, I noted
that I was thinking of giving some of the
company's products to customers as gifts "so
they know what I think about the size of their
penises." I also asked, "If I give you the names
of 25 people I know with tiny dicks, can I get a
better price on my own supply?"
Penis Privacy
While I waited for a response, other
concerns reared their ugly heads. One of the
things men fear most is that information about
their penis size could fall into the wrong
hands. Seeking solid advice on this matter, I
e-mailed Shawn to say, "I hope my name will not
appear on any list of Americans with small
penises. Sure wouldn't want that to fall into
the hands of John Ashcroft!" Shawn and Ford
obviously stay on top of their correspondence,
because the very next day I received this
message: "People like John Ashcroft and Dick
Cheney probably would have a need for a product
like this . . . but then again, aren't they big
enough dicks already?"
Not all of my interactions were as fruitful as
this one. One company failed to respond when I
asked, "Did one of my ex-girlfriends give you my
name? Someone named Annie? About 5'4'', from
northern California? That bitch!"
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